NEGATIVE ENCOURAGEMENT

I was at the parsonage
My wife was not at home.
I was primping to get ready
 But I had misplaced my comb.

Now not to be out done
I looked high and low
I was in some what of a hurry,
Because I had to go.

I ventured in the sewing room,
Where I very seldom go.
What really caught my eye
A wooden box tied with a bow.

The curiosity that killed the cat
It finally got to me.
With out to much fanfare
I opened the box to see.

Now what was in the box,
I didn’t much understand.
Three eggs and a wad of money
Tied up with a rubber band.

I was trying to figure out
What all this really meant.
The eggs and six hundred dollars,
I counted every cent.

Before I put the lid back on
My wife walked into the room.
“What’s this all about,” I said.
“Glad you’re back so soon.”

“Each Sunday you preach a blooper,
I put an egg in the box of wood.”
“Seven years of sermons,” said he.
“I think that’s pretty good.”

“That explains the eggs my dear,
But what about the bills, pray tell?”
“It’s simple, when I collect a dozen eggs,
I go to the market and sell.”


LOST SALESMAN

A young man stood at a cross road,
He was watching the cars go by.
When a big Buick pulled up beside,
The man was wearing a coat and tie.

“Excuse me young man I think I’m lost.
If I continue on west where will I go?”
This didn’t excite the young fellow,
“I”m sorry Sir, I really don’t know.”

“What if I turn right and go up north?”
The salesman waited for the kid’s reply.
“I ‘ve never been that way Sir,
I don’t believe I’d even try.”

“Suppose I turned left and go that way?”
“It’s your car Sir, don’t believe I would.
Of course its all up to you Mister,
But I wouldn’t go if I knew I could.”

“What if I went back like I came?”
The boy just stood and shook his head.
“I really not sure mister,
Like I’ve already said.”

The salesman was getting upset,
I’ll try once more, what can it cost.
“Your about a dumb little kid.”
“I know Mister but I’m not lost!”


MY FIRST USED CAR

My, oh my, how I remember my first used car.
I never knew it then but it wouldn’t take me far.
How proud I was the day I drove off the lot.
Four blocks down the street was as far as I got.

Seems glad turned into sad, and that led to mad.
I never had much schooling but knew I’d been had.
Four blocks back up the street was the used car lot,
With my car still smoking, I struck up a trot.

I knew I’d made some mistake. What can I say,
When I reached the car lot, he’s closed for the day.
Well, now here I was, twenty miles from home,
Not a dime in my pocket to use the telephone.

Now, I won’t deny it, Mama had raised me up right,
But if that joker had been here, you’d seen a fight.
All that I know is I’m stuck with his honey,
And this lying salesman, has got all my money.

 Next morning we started, before the day would began,
 My car was on the lot with the help of a friend.
 The salesman arrived, “I want you to meet Jerry my friend.
He wants to buy my car. I want the blue one on the end.”

He quickly changed the title, to the one on the end.
The salesman couldn’t wait to sell mine to my friend.
Then I drove off the car lot, happy as a lark.
Jerry changed his mind. He knew the car wouldn’t start.

I waited for Jerry on the corner, at the end of the block.
Jerry ran to catch me the salesman looked on in shock.
With the help of a friend I pulled the wool over his eyes.
Somehow I never took kindly to a man that lies.

FORTUNE AND FAME

This day in time, everyone trying to get rich,
I can’t  imagine the stupid things people will do.
This woman put a finger in a bowl of chilly.
Then this idiot had the audacity  to try and sue.

A young man chose the life crime to get rich,
Robbing a huge liquor store while on his way.
The dummy wore his work shirt in the robbery,
“Joeys-Garage,”  he’s locket up in jail today.

This well known man  invented a soft drink,
Six-up he called it, no one liked that name.
Several years later he died broken hearted.
Never knowing just how close he came.

A woman never  married, always seeking fame,
Seven days she worked, putting on quite a show.
Why she didn’t even believe in Heaven or hell,
Dressed up tonight in a casket with no place to go









A  MAN  I  KNEW

 A man I once knew,
He was a likeable cuss.
The only problem was
He’s smarter than all of us.

Whatever you bought,
He could get it cheaper.
If you had a dug well,
 He had one deeper.

If you owned a Mercedes,
His truck was better.
If some one drowned,
He could get wetter.

If you’d planned Mt Everest
For a vacation soon,
He’ll find E-bay tickets
To go to the moon.

Well, I guess when I die,
I hope I die for the better.
He’s Probably thinking now,
“How can I die more deader?”





A GOOD HUNTING TIP

Bubba and Jake everyone knows,
Dumb and stupid, and it really shows.
While they were hunting, man what luck.
Jake killed himself a big old buck.

They both took hold, and started up the hill,
Then stopped to rest, but Bubba grew ill.
A hunter came by, whistling a song,
Pulling his deer, gliding right along.

The hunter passed, they heard him say.
 “Pull‘em by his horns, it’s easier that way.”
“Lets do it Jake, seems it want hurt.
Least his horns want dig in the dirt.”

They both grabbed hold of the deers big rack,
Started on there way, not looking back.
“Sure is easy Bubba, man what can I say.”
“I know it Jake, that hunter made our day.

Bubba and Jake was trucking along,
“On the road again,” their favorite song.
“Can you believe it ?  Were in luck.”
“But look!  Were getting further from the truck.”








BUBBA & JAKE LOST

Bubba and Jake drug off  hunting,
On some land they didn’t know much about.
It wasn’t long and the two were  lost,
And Jake began to scream and  shout.

Just cool it Jake, hears what to do,
 Shoot up in the air three times and wait.
  You better shoot three more times Bubba,
Because it is getting pretty late.

Bubba shot  three more time,
I guess Jake, no one gives a hoot.
 Someone better comes soon Bubba,
 I’ve only three more arrows to shoot.





MY RED NECK FRIEND

My red neck buddy, he’s a good friend of mine.
He moved up north across the Mason and Dixon line.
He got a good job up north and finely settle down.
It was a beautiful place in the edge of town.

 He began to notice every evening  how his dog would bark.
Ducks was flying over, just before it got dark.
He mentioned to his wife how he would soon be able.
This time tomorrow there would be duck on the table.

Now what Jim didn’t know when he bought the house,
The Yankee next door,  didn’t like folks from the south.
The story Jim told,  before the setting of the sun,
He was out in the back yard,  with his trusting gun.

He said it wasn’t long  before he got to try his luck.
His dog got all excited and here came a green head duck.
When it folded up his wings I knew I’d hit it hard.
The mallard hit the grass  over in my neighbors yard.

I didn’t loose no time running over to get my bird.
The yank shouted at me, “Hold right there. Lets have a word.”
He quickly explained , “Lets don’t have our friendship marred.
This is my duck you know. He landed in my front yard.”

This  it really got my dander up. I wanted do something wild.
“I challenge you to a duel. We’ll do it southern style.”
“I except your challenge. I’m a true blue blooded-man.”
I saw this Yankee was serious and he had took a stand.

“Now, down south, we all call it the gentleman’s game.
Of course if you are frightened,  or maybe ashamed?”
“I can take anything you’ve got, is this your little trick?
“Bend over and touch your toes. Lets start to kick.

The first one to give up,  the other man will win.
Since the duck is in your yard, I shall began.”
The big Yank bent over to touch his very own toes.
I took about four steps back and said, “Lord here goes.”

I observe his rear end.  He was broad as a giant.
 He didn’t know I was place kicker, for coach Bear Brant
I was wearing my steel toe boots. Man I sent one home.
I kicked him about six yards, he just lay and moan.

He began rolled in the grass,  trying to get on his feet.
I thought how some men will suffer, but I got my treat.
He finally got up with a big smile across his mouth.
“I give up Yank, you’re winner.”  And I came to my house.



















DEER HUNTING ON SUNDAY

A minister went deer hunting on Sunday,
We’ll just call him Brother Bill.
He neglected his congregational duties.
And this was against God’s will.

While stalking along that morning,
Looking for deer he was well aware.
The preacher was soon confronted,
By a huge vicious grizzly bear.

He dropped his gun and started running,
The preacher was ahead of the bear.
But soon a big cliff came in sight,
 Brother Bill, didn’t know was there.

He dropped to his knees at the ledge,
Looking upward, he began to pray.
As the grizzly came much closer,
The preacher knew this was not his day.

“Lord give this bear some Religion.
Have mercy, for my wife’s dear sake.”
The bear bowed his head and said,
“Thank’s Lord for this food I’m about to partake.”


MORE OF THE DEVILS TRICKS


Certainly down through the years,
The devil had his sinful way.
It’s been the trick of his trade
To cause man to sin and go astray.

From the beautiful Garden of Eden,
Down through this modern age.
Like the gambling boats in Biloxi,
My, my, have you seen such a rage.

We love to gamble. Is it so wrong?
I love slot machines, cards and dice.
After all it our week in fun,
The wife and I, think it’s very nice.

I can sense you’ve  saw the fruit,
And I can tell you love the smell.
But there’s something you don’t know,
 You can be sure, the devil wont tell.

This apple is pretty, but has a worm,
You’ve bit, should of used your knife.
Give up this vice my friend.
Before you loose job, house and wife.





LIVE AND LEARN

I work for the telephone company,
And it’s no telling where I’ll be found.
I was over near the Mental Hospital,
Repairing a cable just under ground.

I was busy about my job, this morning.
There seemed to be no one around,
But then I heard someone counting,
It was a creepy continues sound.

“Twenty two, twenty two” it never stopped.
After awhile this nonsense got to me.
“Twenty two, twenty two,” it went.
I’m going to take a look to see.

The thing between the sound and I,
Stood this big high wooden fence.
As I reached where the count was,
I guess I should had better sense.

Leaning to look through a knothole.
About two foot or so off the ground.
Someone was behind the fence counting,
“Twenty two, twenty two came the sound.”

As I looked through the knothole,
I got a big finger jabbed in my eye.
I quickly jumped back feeling stupid,
It hurt so bad, I could almost cry.

I knew right then for certain,
A trick had been pulled on me.
The tune behind the fence changed,
“Twenty three, twenty three.”


HOW TO GET IN-LAWS OUT

The surest way I’ve found,
And this is always a winner,
Mention something about work,
 They’ll be gone by dinner.

Sometimes they are persistent
And want to keep hanging on.
Make like all the kids have lice;
They’ll find excuse’s to go home.

Then there are the hard-nosed.
 That’ll take a bomb to get’em out.
Let it be known, you need some money,
And wings they will surly sprout.

Now if everything has failed
And you’re about to pull your hair,
Go and get the family Bible.
They’re began choke and star.

Start reading about the rich man
Who’s frying in a burning hell.
You’ll hear the suit cases snapping
Because you’ve rung someone’s bell.






BASEBALL IN HEAVEN
 
Now Bubba and Jake loved baseball.
These to red-necks had a dream.
They were going to play baseball,
On some major league baseball team.

Now this was all they thought of,
Playing baseball and having fun.
They both turned out to be pitchers,
My how these two men could  run.

You  can’t stop the clock from ticking,
 Nether can you delay  old- age.
Bubba and Jake was up in years,
Now old and feeble baseball still the rage.

Bubba got sick and was in the hospital,
Seemed any minute he would die.
Jake quickly rushed over to CCU,
This was Bubba’s last reply.

You think they play baseball in Heaven?
I would sure like to know.
Try to get word to me someway Bubba,
Or I just soon go on down below.

A month had past since Bubba died,
His spirit spoke to Jake one day.
Old buddy I have good news and bad,
This is what the Lord said, I should  say.

You aught to see the stadium Jake,
 This playing field is out of sight.
Man we  play baseball everyday,
And you are pitching tomorrow night.

MY BATH ROOM SCALE

Dear bathroom scale, oh how you look up at me an lie,
You are so deceitful, I could just sit down and cry.
You set over by the shower with such grace an charm,
But just soon as I step on you, off goes the alarm.

Why do you treat me this way? I’m always very nice.
My husband never complains. I’ve been a faithful wife.
Why do you make me feel so guilty each time I weigh?
This Is my bathroom, you know, but you’ve ruined my day.

I’m the one that bought you, I also can dispose.
You never seem to change, with or without my clothes!
I’m very unhappy. You are the 10th pair I’ve had.
                   And when you finally break, my Lord, I’ll be so glad.                              

         It’s really not my fault. I know I’ve stomped you hard.         
Do you still remember the time I threw you in the yard?
I run a mile and miss a meal but you never seem to  care.
You slim-line little nuisance, you look up and stare!

Every pair I’ve bought, they’re all the blooming same.
You stick together like lawyers. I think I’ve been framed.
Let’s try to reach an agreement. I know I’m a little plump.
But your numbers keep going up, like gas prices at the pump.

I’m only human you know. There’s only so much I can stand.
To be controlled by a bathroom scale is not in my plan.
Now I believe in being fair, and tomorrow I’ll try my luck.
You can show me some kindness, or it’s in the garbage truck.

BIG BASS STORY
         
 Did I ever tell you about the biggest  bass I caught?
Stick around for a spell. I’ll tell you how she fought.
Friday was a little slow. I wandered down by the pond.
I guess if I had weakness bass fishing I’m very fond.

 There’s a lunker in this pond.  I’ve seen her time and again.
 I’ve been trying to catch her. She’ll top the scale over ten.
I snagged her twice last year. She snaps the line at will.
But if I can ever catch her, it’ll be my life’s greatest thrill.

The last time I lost her I nearly sat down to cry.
I’m not getting any younger, hope to get her before I die.
If I don’t snag her this spring, hope to catch her this fall.
I’ve picked me out a spot. I’m gonna hang her on my wall.

Now this old gal hasn’t made it easy, but I’m not giving up.
I’ve run everything by her ever since she was a pup.
What I really need is something new, maybe she hasn’t seen.
Reckon she’ll take notice and quit being so confounded mean.

I told my younger brother, he just got back from the war,
He said, “I think I may have the lure you’ve been looking for.”
I asked him, “Was it top water or spinner, sun or shade?”
He said, “Didn’t make much difference. It was a hand  grenade.”



MY LOVE FOR AN OREO™

I love an Oreo and it’s great taste.
I could eat the whole pack, none would I waste.
Actually, I got addicted when I was very small,
If my mother wouldn’t get’em, I’d climb the wall.
 
Before  bedtime, and  flipping off the light,
I was going to get my Oreo’s or there’d be a fight.
I carried them to school; I never learned to share.
Even through the first grade, I didn’t care.

As I grew older, there was talk of a cap and gown.
 I’ll not walk on stage without my Oreo’s around.
I can remember my college days, oh so well.
I had to keep my cookies hid. I wouldn’t tell.

I met this cute blond and we began to yak.
I offered her an Oreo,“It’ll turn my teeth black.”
A redhead came along, I’d turn things around.
I offered her a cookie, “Oh, it’ll make me gain a pound.”

 I met this gorgeous brunette and she was so neat.
I opened my Oreo’s, “I’m sorry, nothing sweet.”
When it comes to women, I’ll always be a rookie,
So I’ll keep licking the icing and eating the cookie.




MY  NEW  SHOT  GUN

I got the hankering to go hunting.
Didn’t have much of anything to shoot.
I found me a single barrel over at Sears.
Ma got it fer me. She brung the loot.

I’d never owned a gun before,
Especially sumping that would kill.
It was a twelve gage single barrel.
It was the finest on the hill.

Deer season comes in Saturday.
I was all raring to try my luck.
Now I don’t mind telling,
I was aiming to get myself a buck.

At the first sign of daylight,
I was way down behind the barn.
I had my gun cocked and ready,
This hunter I shore wouldn’t yarn.

At first light, I still remember,
I saw them bushes shake.
I aimed the gun so gently.
This whitetail I was gonna take.

I squeezed on the trigger.
My, what a awesome sound.
The next thing I remember
Is getting up off the ground.

I ran over in the bushes
To take myself a bow.
Man was I disappointed!
It was ma’s old jersey cow.


HOLE IN THE GROUND

Bubba and Jake had finished hunting.
They were headed back toward the truck.
The two were sure disgusted,
Not having a bit of stinking luck.
All of a sudden they noticed this hole,
They said it was about six feet wide.
Now Bubba found a big ole rock.
Jake gave him room and stepped aside.

Down the hole the rock went,
As the two leaned over to hear.
Seems the hole had no bottom.
As Bubba and Jake gave an ear.
Now not to be completely out done,
They found a piece of rail nearby.
When they threw the rail in the hole,
It seem to take wings and fly.

Before they knew what had happened.
 Here come a goat running. with all his might.
When he reached the big hole between us,
In the big hole, and out of sight.
When Bubba & Jake reached their truck,
This  elderly man came walking by.
Have you two seen anything of my goat?
 And the old man, began to cry.

The only goat we’ve seen today,
He jumped in a big hole back there.
We could tell the old man was interested,
The way he began to look and stair.
I don’t think that’s my goat, he said
We could tell the old man, couldn’t cope.
I had him tied to a chunk of railroad iron,
With a hundred feet of rope.

BUBBA  WRITES HIS  TRUE  LOVE

My, oh, my, how I love thee, this letter can never tell.
How the love I have for you. Each day does excel

I’d climb the highest mountain, covered with ice and snow.
I’d go without my coat although it be ten below.

I’d walk across a desert, through the burning sand.
I wouldn’t carry water, to show I was your loving man.

I’d swim the deepest river, leaving my preserver on the bank.
I’d come to you any way I could, to let you know how think.

I’d tread the darkest swamp, with quick sand all about.
From the highest red wood tree, your love I’d shout.

I’ll see you Saturday morning, no longer can I refrain.
I’ll see you about 6'oclock if it don’t cloud up and rain.





          Humorous Poems & Funny Stories

MY BLIND DATE

Before I was saved and knew all about sin.
I met this beautiful lady that nearly done me in.
 Marilyn Monroe and Elizabeth Taylor, had beauty untold.
But listen Guys none could compare, I had struck gold.

I wined and dined my beauty, the best I could buy,
 It was later at the motel, when I began to cry.
Off came her gorgeous wig, you could hear me take a gulp,
Then taking out her pearly teeth, and stuck’em in a cup.

Off came her silk blouse, and padding went everywhere.
What have I got myself into? And fell back in my chair.
I Thought for just a moment, this ain’t no flower child,
She removed her patten heels and man her feet went wild.

As she pushed down her black hose, I became  unstable,
Now I’ve seen better legs, on my ma’s kitchen table.
Now I’m not one to puff things up, or to  put you on.
But If things don’t start shaping up, this boy is gone.

Off came the lashes, the powder and all the paint,
Then I knew for certain, kissing her again I can’t.
I wondered why her girlfriend called my date “Leroy,”
Then she turned to face me, This girl was a boy!





MYSTERIOUS WAYS

When I was but a very small boy,
My Grandfather would laugh and tell;
How way back in the olden days,
People drew water from an old dug well.

Now that well didn’t just happen,
No sir, you had to get it dug.
Most times this took weeks on end
To get water this you could not shrug.

There were well diggers you could hire,
But they seemed to be far and in between.
Fred and Joe were some local boys,
Grandfather said the best he’d ever seen.

It was known that Fred was a Christian,
Between the boys lets make no mistake.
Joe was awful bad to sware and curse,
And meaner than a confound rattle snake.

 The two boys were hired by this farmer.
Who lived just six miles north of town.
When Fred and Joe drove up Monday,
The old farmer showed the boys around.

They went through a big wooden gate,
That led down behind the farmers barn.
“Never forget to lock this gate,” said he.
The farmer slapped Joe on the arm.

“That’s my old mule standing over there,
He’s old and no good, and blind as a bat.
That’s why we keep a bell around his neck,
That way we’ll always know where he’s at.”

Now when you come and go each day,
Please always remember what I tell;
You should never forget to lock this gate.
The blind mule may fall into your well.

It was rather a large well the farmer wanted.
This pleased Fred and Joe, big jobs didn’t hurt.
They both took turns at the digging,
While the other on top disposed of the dirt.

Things went good, except for Joe’s dirty jokes.
Fred began to pray God to save his friend.
The well was down about forty feet.
And wasn’t  long until the very end.

They started bright and early Friday morning,
Fred held the rope while Joe went down.
About five minutes later Joe began to curse.
And out of the well came this filthy sound.

“What’s the matter old friend,?”  Fred said.
As he leaned way over looking down.
“Have you seen the devil or something,
Are you just about to drown.”

“No!” Said Joe,  the harsh words came up.
I forgot my confounded snuff.
“Hang on,” Fred said. I’ll run  to the truck.
I need my gloves, these boards are very rough.

I got my gloves and Joe’s devilish snuff,
And started back to the ole dug well.
I met the farmer coming from the barn,
 And he was carrying the blind mules bell.

He said the old mule died last night,
God Knows, reckon he has no need for this bell.
I guess God works in mysterious ways,
The Holy Spirit said. “Joe is still down in the well.”

Fred asked the farmer if the bell he may borrow,
When we break for lunch I’ll bring back the bell.
The farmer never questioned Fred’s intentions.
With the bell Fred headed straight for the well.

As he drew near the well Joe began to curse.
Joe knew when Fred went out he forgot the gate.
“Forget the snuff Fred.”  Joe desperately cried out,
“If you don’t hurry Fred, it’s going to be to late.”

 As Fred came much closer, Joe began to cry.
“Please forgive me Lord, I’m to young to die.
If You’ll stop that mule dear God, I’ll do anything.”
Fred turned to walk away, Joe began to sing.

Fred hid the bell in some near by bushes,
And quickly ran back to the well;
“I’m very sorry it took me so long Joe,
Got tied up with the farmer for a spell.”

“Praise God,”  When I heard Joe cry out,
Came the voice deep within the well.
“Quickly winch me up good buddy,
Do I have a story I want to tell.

When Joe reached the top it was so neat,
Joe was transformed, and white as a sheet.
You want believe it Fred, Joe began to tell,
“When you were a way the old mule nearly fell.”

“I forgive you for leaving the gate open Fred,
Although the blind mule gave me such a fright.”
“I really don’t know what are you saying Joe,
Because the old blind mule she died last night.”

Joe quickly threw his hands up toward heaven,
As he fell in the dirt beside the fresh dug well.
Joe cried out and thanked Jesus Christ,
For saving his soul from the flames of hell.

No matter how deep in sin you may go my friend,
Christ can reach you no matter how deep you’ve fell.
Deep within your soul a little bell does ring,
And I believe if you listen you’ll hear that little bell.


 Therefore with joy shall ye draw water out of the wells of salvation.
   And in that day shall ye say, Praise the Lord, call upon his name, declare his doings among the people, make mention that his name is exalted.
Isaiah 12:3-4.


BUBBA GETS MARRED

We met at the church social, Lord she stole my heart.
 The moment our eyes met, true love right from the start.
Now I had enough religion to do what I thought was right.
My bride to be and I waited, until our wedding night.

Now what I didn’t seem to realize, the day I said I do.
This marriage got real complicated, Lord You know how true.
She said she had a small family, but then don’t we all.
I didn’t know she meant brats, that reached from wall to wall.

On our honeymoon night she really through me a curve.
She brought all her kids along, man she had a nerve.
I know I’m not suppose to hate, but I’m out on a limb.
If I could get my hands on her ex, no telling what I’d do to him.

Well as it always happens, the evening finally grew dark.
Time for my new bride and I, to snuggle up and spark.
Then all of a sudden, I get a whisper of this bad news.
I need to sleep with the kids tonight, will you please excuse.

It didn’t take me long to find out, I had been put upon a shelf.
She’d been sleeping with the rug-rats since there daddy left.
I’m back at the salt-mine working my fingers to the bone.
All I get is smiles now, when I bring my pay-check home.

They say to live and learn, though, I’ll die and forget it all.
But God had me in mind, He wrote my future on the wall.
I looked all around Sunday morning as the choir began to sang.
Thank You Lord for my family, I never did a thing.