Clem had just got back from Antarctica, and he thought penguins were the neatest things he had ever seen. So he brought a dozen back home with him to show everyone. The next day Clem was riding around town when a police officer pulled him over.
“Now Clem,” said the police officer, “you can’t drive around with those penguins all over your car, hanging out every window. I highly suggest that you take them to the zoo.”Clem agreed and drove off. The next day the same officer pulled Clem over. Once again, penguins were hanging out of the car windows.
"Hey Clem! I though I told you yesterday to take those penguins to the zoo," the officer said.
“I did, I did.” Clem replies. " Today I'm taking them to the movies."
During one of the slump years at the University of Alabama, the football team was needing a miracle. Alabama’s talent scout called Coach Bryant. “Coach, I believe I have the man to make us a winning team this year.” Coach Paul (Bear) Bryant began to interview the young man. “Give us your football history .” “I started very early. I got a football on my first birthday. I played on the Tiny-Mighty, the Junior League, then high school. I might add I carried my team, winning county, state and then to the nationals, where we also won.” “What about your spiritual life?” Coach asked. “Glad you asked. My father has been pastor of our church for 38 years. Mother has taught Sunday school even longer. My sister plays the organ, and my older brother is a missionary over seas.” “What about drugs, surely you have a vice?” “No sir! Alcohol and tobacco have never touched my lips, Coach,” said the would-be player. “But son, surely you watch porn and mess with women?” asked the coach, with skepticism. “No sir, Coach Bryant. I never had a date with a girl. I’ve never watched TV or been to a theater.”“Now young man, no one is perfect! Surely there is one vice you haven’t revealed to me?” “Well, Coach Bryant, there is one little thing I have a problem with... I lie all the time.”
Parrot Doesn’t Talk:
Mary Lue bought a parrot from a pet store. She bought every thing she thought she would need, complete with cage. Before making the purchase, she got a guarantee that the parrot would talk. She took the parrot home. In a week and a half she returned to the store very disappointed. "The parrot doesn't talk,” Mary Lue said."Did you buy a mirror?"Asked the clerk "No," she replied. "Every parrot needs a mirror." he said. So she bought a mirror and hung it in the parrot's cage. After a week and a half went by, she returned. "The parrot still doesn't talk," Mary Lue complained.
"Did you buy a ladder?" asked the manager.
"No," Mary Lue replied.
"Every parrot needs a ladder," said the manager. So she bought a ladder and installed it in the cage. Another week and a half passed and she returned, "The parrot still doesn't talk."
"Did you buy a swing?" Asked the owner.
"No," said Mary Lue.
"Every parrot needs a swing," said the owner. So she bought a swing and hung it in the cage. A week and a half later she returned. She was furious! The store owner asked, "Did the parrot talk?"
"No! He died!" She fumed.
"Oh, that's terrible! Did he say anything before he died?" Asked the owner. "Yes," replied Mary Lue.
"What?" The owner asked. He gasped
“Don't they have any food down at that dumb pet store?'"
No Dogs Allowed:
Bubba stops his truck just south of Mobile and goes in a bar for a cool one, not noticing that his blue tick hound follows him in. The bartender yells our. "You can't bring that dog in here!" Bubba thinks fast, and without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog."
"Oh man," the bartender says, "I'm sorry! Here, the first one's on me." Bubba takes his drink and goes to a table near the door. About the time Bubba sits down, another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. Bubba stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here... unless you tell the bartender it's a seeing-eye dog." The man thanks Bubba and walks to the bar. The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!"
“But sir, this is my seeing-eye dog." He says. The bartender, thinks “No way Hosea”, and says "No, I don't think so! They don’t have Chihuahua’s as seeing-eye dogs." The man pauses for a second and exclaims, "What?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?"
Bill and Jan had worked hard all week and thought they deserved a night out. “Don’t forget to put the cat out before we leave”, Jan reminded. The taxi soon arrived. As they stepped outside, the cat ran back inside. Jan went and sat in the taxi, while Bill went back inside to get the cat. Not wanting the driver to know that there would be nobody home, Jan said:
"My husband went inside to say good-bye to his mother." A short while later, Bill returned, all frustrated,
"I'm sorry, to keep you all waiting. When I got upstairs the old thing had hid under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger several times to get her to come out."
Farmer Brown, who grew watermelons, was disturbed by some local kids, who would sneak into his watermelon patch and swipe several every night. He came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure. He posted a sign it in the field which read: "Warning! One of the watermelons in this field has been injected with poison. Guess which one?" Next morning, Farmer Brown returned and surveyed his field. He noticed that no watermelons were missing, but a sign next to his read, "Now there are two poisoned watermelons in this field...Guess which one?"
Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.A woman walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder." The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement and announced,
"Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away. Junior shook his head and laughed.
"Ain't that just like a dumb blonde! We ask for the height, and she gives us the length!"
Have you ever notice if you own something and it dosen’t have a place, and you have no regular place to keep it, when you really need it you never know what place you put it? — Charlie Barnett
A Loving Wife:
A devoted loving wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband.When he was slipping in and out of a coma for several months, she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times."When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. "You know what Gertrude?" Fred said in a whisper. "What, my dear?" His wife asked in a loving gently way.
"I think you bring me bad luck."
The Three Sons:
Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother. The first said, "I built a big house for our mother." The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes, with a driver." The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well anymore. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took Elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it." Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote to the first son" the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house." "Gerald," she wrote to the second son, "I am too old to travel any more. My eyesight isn't what it used to be. I stay at home most of the time, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is rude to me!" "Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense to know what your poor old mother really enjoys. The chicken was so delicious!"
A Blonde Kidnapped A Blond:
A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him,
"I’ve kidnaped you." She then wrote a note saying, "I’ve kidnaped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide, on the north side of the playground. Signed, Blonde." The Blonde then taped the note to the kid’s shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000, with a note that said,
"How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"
A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts open and in come four exuberant blondes. They come up to the bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at a large table. Soon, three more blondes arrive, sit down at the table, take up their drinks and begin to chant, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Two more blondes show up and soon their voices join in, raising the roof. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm. She walks over, sets the picture in the middle of the table, and the table erupts. Up jump the others. They begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the center is a beautifully framed children's jigsaw puzzle. When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks the blondes,
"What's all the chanting and celebration about?" The blonde who brought in the picture puzzle explains,
"Everyone thinks that blondes are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight. The ten of us got together, bought that puzzle, and put it together. The side of the box said 2 to 4 years, but we put it together in 51 days!"
Billy told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he once did. The doctor started a long and thorough examination, but finally found out that their wasn’t anything wrong with Billy. When the examination was complete, he said,
"Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."
"Well, in plain English, Billy," the doctor replied,
"You're just down right lazy."
"Okay," said Billy. "Now Doc give me the medical term so I can tell my wife".
I guess you’ve heard already that our Aunt Else got caught for shop-lifting at Wal-Mart. With nothing more to do than feed my chickens I decided to go to her trial and see how everything turned out, after all she was a sweet old gal...but always bossing Uncle Herman around all the time. The Judge was a stern old man and looked like Moses with his long black robe and snowy beard.
“Now Mrs. Allen I see here you’ve been charged with shop-lifting?”
“Well that’s what they say Judge.” Aunt Else said looking over at Uncle Herman.
“Now Mrs. Allen I’m gonna be as lenient as I can be, taking your age in account, what did you steal from Wal-Mart?”
“Just a can of peaches.”
“A can of peaches! How many peach halves of was in the can?”
“Well now I’m gonna give you a day in the County Jail for each slice.” Just about that time Uncle Herman jumped up all excited!
"Judge, Judge, she stole a can of peas also.
Have you heard this one yet? Oh well, tell it to your Brother-In-Law.
It was snowing heavily, and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero, when the little blonde got off work at Wal-Mart. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home. She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation. She finally remembered her daddy's advice that, if she got caught in a blizzard, she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in a snow drift. This made her feel much better and, sure enough, in a little while a snow plow went by and she started to follow it. As she continued to follow the snow plow, she was feeling very smug, as she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions. After quite some time had passed, she was somewhat surprised when the snow plow stopped, the driver got out, came back to her car and signaled for her to roll down her window. The snowplow driver asked if she was all right, since she had been following him for nearly an hour. She said she was fine and told him about her daddy's advice to follow a snow plow when caught in a blizzard. The driver replied that it was fine with him, and she could continue if she wanted, but he was done with the Wal-Mart parking lot and was going over to K-mart next.
A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, have computer skills and must speak two languages. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer." A dog saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.The receptionist got the office manager, who was very surprised. He looked at the dog and motioned for him to sit. The dog jumped up on a chair and stared at the manager. The manager said "I can't hire you. The sign says you must type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. The manager was stunned, but said, "The sign says computer knowledge." The dog went to the computer and proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program, flawlessly. By this time, the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said "I can't give you the job.” The dog jumped down and went to the sign and put his paw on the sentences that read Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, "Yes, but the sign also says that you must speak two languages.” The dog looked at the manager calmly and said, "Meow!"
Bubba and Jake had finished squirrel hunting and was walking back to their truck. “Look at this hole Bubba?” "Wow, that looks deep." Exclaimed Jake. "Sure does! Lets toss a few rocks in there and see how deep it is." They picked up a hand full of rock and throw them in and waited, but there is no noise. "Jeeez. That is really deep. Here, throw one of those great big rocks down there. That should make a noise." They pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait. They wait, and wait, but again hear nothing. They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on his face and says, "Hey, over here in the weeds, there's a railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss that in, it's got to make some noise!"Bubba and Jake managed to drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a red goat appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as its legs will carry it. into the hole it dove. Bubba and Jake were astonished with what they've just witnessed.Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots Bubba and Jake and ambles over. "Hey! You two guys have either of you seen my red goat out here?" "You bet we did! Craziest thing I've ever seen. It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole!" "Nah," says the farmer, "that couldn't have been mine. My goat was tied with a hundred foot chained to a heavy railroad tie."
A doctor and an attorney in separate vehicles collided on I-95 one foggy night. The fault was questionable, but both were shaken up, and the attorney offered the doctor a drink from a pocket flask. The doctor took the flask with a shaking hand and belted back a couple of swallows. As the attorney started to put the cap back on the flask the doctor asked, "Aren't you going to have one too, for your nerves?" "Of course I am," replied the attorney, "after the Highway Patrol gets here."
Clem and Arthur are out in the woods, hiking. All of a sudden, a bear starts chasing them. They climb a tree, but the bear begins climbing up the tree after them.
Clem gets his sneakers out of his knapsack and starts putting them on.
Arthur says, "What are you doing?”
"I figure when the bear gets too close, we'll have to jump down and make a run for it,” Clem replies.
"Are you crazy?” Arthur exclaims, “you can't outrun a bear!"
"I don't have to outrun the bear. I only have to outrun you, old buddy…”
A bum walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says "No way, sir. I don't think you have any money." The bum says "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you’ve never seen before, will you give me a drink?" The bartender says "Only if what you show me isn’t indecent." "Deal!" says the bum. He reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down a barstool, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the key board and starts playing Gershwin songs. “He’s really good”, the bartender says. "You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. Here is your drink.” The bum downs the drink and asks the bartender for another. "Money or another miracle, else no drink," says the bartender. The bum reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar and the frog starts singing. He has a marvelous voice and perfect pitch, a fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the bum and offers him $300 for the frog. "It's a deal." says the bum. He takes the $300 and gives the frog to the stranger, who runs out of the bar. "Are you some kind of nut?” asks the bartender. “You sold a singing frog for $300? It must be worth millions. You must be crazy!" "Not so," says the bum. "The hamster is also a ventriloquist!"
Bog Tyler had lost his case in court and was coming home with his brother. His wife’s lawyer had taken him to the cleaners. She got everything he had, and every thing he would ever hope to get.
“Stop the car!” Bob shouted to his brother, who was driving. “You mean where those two buzzards are eating the dead armadillo?” asked his brother. “Yeah.” Bob said, getting out of the car. “I want to eat me a piece of rotten armadillo, to see if I can get the taste of that lawyer out of my mouth.”
I know now why there are so many lawyers these days. They couldn’t get a job at McDonald’s.
When a lawyer tells his clients that he has a sliding fee schedule, what he means is that after he bills you, it's financially hard to get back on your feet.
The devil and the lawyer:
The devil visited a lawyer's office and made him an offer. "I can arrange some things for you, " the devil said. "I'll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's souls rot in hell for eternity."
The lawyer thought for a moment. "What's the catch?" he asked.
A judge, bored and frustrated by a lawyer's tedious arguments, had made numerous rulings to speed the trial along. The attorney had bristled at the judge's orders, and their tempers grew hot. Finally, frustrated with another repetition of arguments he had heard many times before, the judge pointed to his ear and said, "Counselor, you should be aware that at this point, what you are saying is just going in one ear and out the other."
"Your honor," replied the lawyer, "That goes without saying. What is there to prevent it?"
Ninety-nine percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
— Charlie Barnett
Bear in a Bar
This bear walks into a bar. Then he sits down and orders a beer. The bartender, amazed that this bear can actually talk, gives him a beer.
The bear says, "What do I owe you?"
The bartender stops and thinks for a moment. Even though this bear is smart, thinks the bartender, he probably hasn’t been in many bars.
So the bartender says, "That'll be ten dollars." The bear forks over the money and starts drinking his beer.
After a few minutes, the bartender can't restrain his curiosity, so he walks back over to the bear and tries to strike up a conversation. "You know, we don't get many bears in this bar."
The bear looks up from his beer and says, "Well, at ten bucks a beer, I'm not surprised."
Washing the Dog
Bobby was about eight years old when this took place. With nothing more to do, one summer day he decided to wash Rover. Before the thought left his mind he walked to the corner grocery store. Picking out a large box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over and, trying to be friendly, asked Bobby if he had a lot of laundry to do.
"Oh, no laundry," then Bobby said. "I'm going to wash Rover that’s my dog."
"But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him." But Bobby wasn’t stopped by this negative input, so he carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog. About a week later Bobby was back in the store doing some shopping. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing?
"Oh, he died," Bobby said. The grocer twisted his mouth and shrugged his shoulders.
"I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog."
"Well," Bobby replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him." "Oh I'm sorry.” Said the grocer. “ How did he die?"
"I think it was the spin cycle that got’em."